What I Can Never Say
by Cat2000
Summary: Dean thinks on things… Written from Dean’s POV. Completely and utterly pointless


**What I Can Never Say**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything from Supernatural, and I'm not making any money from this fic

**Summary:** Dean thinks on things… Written from Dean's POV. Completely and utterly pointless

**Warning(s):** Brotherly love (if that even counts)

* * *

I don't know if we'll ever find Dad. Not if he doesn't _want_ to be found.

Somehow, though, I don't think it'll be the end of the world if we don't find Dad. I _want_ to, of course. But it's not so bad if it's just me and Sam. I'd never tell him this, of course, but as little brothers go, Sam isn't that bad.

I could definitely do worse…

I do feel bad about what happened to Jessica, and not just because she died in the same way our Mom did. I know how badly Sam's always wanted a normal life, unlike me. Hey, I understand how important it is to hunt the things that go bump in the night. I also _do_ get how Sam feels. I get his need for a 'normal' life.

Not that I'd really admit that to him…

And it's about time that Sam's able to have a proper night's sleep. I know full well that he's been having some pretty bad nightmares. He keeps waking up in the middle of the night, and I can hear him screaming. It's difficult not to go over and comfort him, but I'm not good at soft words.

I never have been.

It must be something I got from Dad. Sam's always been much more sensitive. Better at knowing the right thing to say. Sometimes I almost envy him that. Then again, I'm good at things he isn't.

I'm pretty sure that Sam knows what I can never say, though. When we went back to our old house, and I went in to find him with the cord wrapped around his neck… I was so scared that he was dead.

I don't know what I would have done if that poltergeist _had_ killed my brother. One thing that I'm certain of is that _nothing_ would have saved the thing from my vengeance if Sam had ended up dead.

With Dad gone, Sam's the only family I have left now. I won't let _anything_ happen to him. For twenty-two years, the only purpose I've had is protecting Sam. It's not going to change now.

I never thought that maybe _I'd_ need protecting… and from Sam. But back in the asylum, I realised something very important – that Sam doesn't necessarily trust me. He's the one who walked out on me, abandoned me, and yet _he's_ the one who doesn't fully trust _me_.

That should be funny – but I'm not laughing. It doesn't strike me as being all that amusing. I must have done something really wrong if Sam couldn't trust me. Not such a good big brother after all. Sam's saved me as many times as I've saved him. He's just as strong as I and Dad are, in his own way.

I don't think I've ever told Sam that. Nor the fact that I love him… except for when we were kids.

Whenever I feel like I _should_, I argue with myself that Sam doesn't need me to tell him that. That he should know, and even better now that we've discovered he's a psychic. Truthfully, though, I think I'm scared. Scared of letting my guards down again. Scared of the fact that he'll leave me again.

And then I'll be all alone…

So we argue, fight, anything so that I can avoid getting deeply into my feelings. Hell, I'm the older brother. I'm _supposed_ to be the strong one, the one that doesn't break down, no matter how much I've wanted to. All through my life, my only purpose has been to protect my baby brother.

Ever since the night of the fire, when Dad put him in my arms. I made a promise that night, to Sam and to myself. No matter what happens, I'll always keep it. I'd die to keep Sammy safe. If it could give him even one moment of true happiness, stop his pain forever, I'd give up my soul.

I'd fight to keep him… Every time something's happened to him, I've been there to do what I can to protect him. With the Weeping Woman, with the shapeshifter that wore my face. Hell, even back at our old house, where it was possible we were about to face something similar to the thing that killed our Mom and Sam's girlfriend.

When that creepy family took Sam to use in their hunt, I told him that I wouldn't come looking for him again. But Sam knows me better than that. Knows that I'll _always_ come for him, wherever he is.

At least, I _hope_ Sam knows. All of the things that I've never told him, all of my feelings.

What I can never say…


End file.
